A Therapist’s Lens: Sexual Shame and Compulsion in High-Achieving Men

In the early days of my work as a trauma therapist, I discovered real joy in working with complex cases.

Recurring childhood trauma?

Adult children of borderline mothers?

I absolutely loved it—and still do. There's something deeply meaningful about helping clients untangle the stories they were raised in.

Back in my original in-person office; you know, back when I wore collared shirts, nice blouses, and the occasional slacks that now enjoy collecting dust in a closet… I began seeing a pattern among my clients: driven professionals, high-stress roles, and grappling privately with childhood trauma, intimate relationship issues, or compulsive sexual behaviors.

As a trauma clinician specializing in EMDR, I often worked with clients healing from sexual assault. I saw firsthand how these experiences could profoundly shape someone’s relationship to themselves, intimacy, sexuality, and shame.

Over time, I began to notice a pattern—particularly among my traditionally successful male clients. High-pressure jobs, unresolved trauma, secret compulsive sexual behaviors, and beneath it all… shame.

It started to make sense.

Often these men had grown up in homes where emotions weren’t safe—maybe their parents fought constantly, or their mother’s moods were unpredictable and volatile. That kind of environment leaves a child feeling unsafe and emotionally unanchored. And for boys especially, the cultural message to “man up” or “not be emotional” often left them with no tools for processing the fear, pain, or confusion they carried.

So they learned to numb.

Many were introduced to porn early—too early for their nervous systems to make sense of what they were seeing. For a boy hiding in his room, trying to avoid the chaos of the household, porn became a private escape. It was soothing. Predictable. It felt like safety.

And slowly, a maladaptive coping mechanism began to take root.

The boy becomes a man. Life becomes more stressful. A high-demand job adds more pressure. And that old escape—the compulsive porn use or risky sexual behavior—starts creeping in again, quietly but relentlessly. It starts to feel out of control. Shame deepens. Relationships suffer.

Eventually, the secret gets too heavy to carry. Either the individual is “caught,” or he comes clean, unable to live a double life any longer.

Ready for help, into my office he steps, and our journey of helping him address the root problem begins. Spoiler alert: that root problem? It’s not him. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with him, and he isn’t broken for his struggle…

Talking about trauma, sexual addiction, shame, and intimacy- I believe these are some of the most vulnerable conversations people can have. It takes courage, honesty, and deep trust to bring these topics into the therapy room. I don’t take that lightly.

It’s become one of the greatest honors of my career to hold space for clients navigating these struggles. To walk beside them as they unravel shame, rebuild self-worth, and reclaim a more authentic relationship to themselves and others.

That’s how my passion for working with high-achieving folks struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, intimacy issues, and shame was born. From watching brave people take off the mask and let healing begin.