One of the most common challenges I hear from male clients is "I just don't know how to really connect with other guys."
Sound familiar?
No?
Ok, then how about the other versions I hear:
"I want to spend more time with the guys at the [golf, gun, swim, beach] club, but I don't want to intrude. They never invite me…" or "they seem to already have a core group."
"I mean I wish I had more time for friends, I'm just too busy with…"
"I would never tell my guy friends about this stuff"
Get the idea? Same suit, different tie.
Now, let's get into my clinical opinion on this. Written as a therapist for men in high visibility careers, and having spent years as the only female on an all-male oyster farm…and no, the surrounding farms didn’t have female-farmers either…
First things first, most men I work with have these feelings. You are not alone in it (though I imagine it feels like it), and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling this flavor of lonely and not knowing how to get unstuck. I believe men are taught to be lone wolves. Socialized to, well, stop socializing as they get older. Male isolation is falsely tied to 'masculinity', 'strength' and being 'capable'.
If you've watched Landman, recall Tommy staring down the coyote (Season 1, episodes 9 and 10). He's a weathered corporate fixer, and when he looks at that scavenger animal he sees himself: a stoic provider carrying immense stress and survival fears in silence.
In the following episode he sees a second coyote inspecting the body of the dead one- just after his own boss dies and Tommy takes over. Tommy says, "You better run, buddy. They kill coyotes around here."
That's a common male experience I witness in my clients. Isolated, under immense career and family pressure, and seeing the destruction of a predecessor (career or generational family), and needing to step into the exact pressure cooker the destroyed their predecessor.
This imagery is typically relatable for my clients- and, why it’s important we discuss isolation, and friendship.
The Impact of Traditional Success
Traditional success and career visibility, by their nature, create more isolation. Raising a family, for those with kids, also creates distance. The career and/or family take the time that was once used to socialize with friends. The success or image drives a wedge of difference, discomfort, or lack of relatability between the man and his long-term friends.
Not always. Sometimes it's the friend who's become rather pompous, or drinks far more than the man wants to be associated with anymore. Either way, distance commonly occurs.
Sometimes, the success makes it challenging to tell who’s a real friend, who’s trying to gain something out of ‘friendship’, and who is a friend by proxy (meaning, just because the two of them work closely together, they are friendly).
Isolated in a crowded room
How can you tell if you're isolated, even when you're surrounded by people? Ask yourself:
Am I real with these people?
Do we have to be connected because of our careers? If yes, there can be ulterior motives and limits to what's appropriate to share, which limits the ability to be true friends.
If I was feeling down or stressed, would I call this person and ask if we could go do x together because I need to brighten my mood?
The Impact
When a man is isolated, (sure, he may have a romantic partner he talks deeply with, but it ends there), he's dancing on the edge of a cliff. He’s carrying a heavy load, not intended for just one to carry. It makes everything harder, heavier, lonelier.
When real crisis hits, whether it's marital strain, job loss, or public humiliation like being cancelled, slandered in headlines, it takes a village to get through. And he doesn't have a village. He only has himself, creating an ideal situation to become shrouded in shame.
What connection looks like
What I've seen as a clinician is that men with deep friendships and support groups manage challenges far better. They have other men to turn to between appointments, regardless of what shit is hitting the fan. They're engaged in hobbies together (adult play is so important), and they have more than one person they can comfortably call and say, "I'm really struggling with x today."
These are the men breaking the isolation-as-masculinity mold. It's a form of resilience they're building themselves by being connected.
Have you ever done a really challenging home improvement project alone? With an extra set of hands, it's much easier and more than twice as fast. That's what friendship does. It cuts the load by more than half.
A Final Note
Here's what I want you to remember, and the irony of the coyote symbolism I mentioned earlier. Coyotes aren't actually loners. They live in family groups, they hunt together, they raise pups together. The coyote seen alone is usually young and hasn't found his group yet, or he's been pushed out of one.
Solitary isn't his nature, it's his circumstance. When Tommy tells him to run, he's passing down the only survival strategy he knows: stay alone, keep moving, don't get caught standing still. It worked for Tommy in the sense that he's still alive- it works for a lot of men in this sense, but survive and thrive are not the same.
You get to decide whether that's the message you want to inherit; and the inheritance you want to give the next generation of males.